Love is a verb

Oxytocin is a hormone secreted by the pituitary gland, a pea-sized structure at the base of the brain. It’s sometimes called the "cuddle hormone.”

Arthur Aron is a psychology professor at Stony Brook University, and in 1992 he made two people fall in love. Here’s the original research.

And here’s how he did it.

He designed a study called “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness,” and he split study participants into two groups (experimental and control). In each group, people split into pairs and talked for 45 minutes.

The control group made small talk.

The experimental group used a list of 36 questions prepared by Prof Aron, and they went through the questions one at a time. The questions got increasingly personal. Then each couple shared four minutes of sustained eye contact.

Six months later, one of the pairs from the experimental group was in love. They got married. Prof Aron and his lab staff were invited to the wedding.

Love, the feeling, is the result of hormones.

Dopamine, Norepinephrine, Serotonin, Oxytocin, and Vasopressin.

When you stare at your newborn baby, your brain releases dopamine. Oxytocin is released during breastfeeding. And in smaller amounts when hugging and holding hands.

That’s why falling in love feels the way it does.

But oxytocin hits don’t sustain a relationship. Hormones may lay a foundation, but love that sustains for decades is a verb.

The verb is defined by service, sacrifice, humility, kindness, patience, understanding, and daily forgiveness.

The calm, quiet, hormone-free feeling of deep and sustained love is the fruit of the verb.

Service.

Sacrifice.

Daily forgiveness.

There are no shortcuts.