Don’t let your friend wear that fedora
Stop being nice. Be brave and kind instead.
A chart created by Kim Scott, the author of the best-selling book Radical Candor: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity. Kim says radical candor is the sweet spot. The spot where we can challenge directly while caring personally. The place where we’re brave and kind.
The word “nice” doesn’t appear in the Christian New Testament. The Greek is συμπαθητικός, and it’s not in there.
Which is surprising. To me, at least. Niceness seems objectively good. A humanist value, irrespective of faith tradition. I assumed Jesus and his buddies would have at least mentioned it.
But maybe early Christians thought of niceness differently. Maybe they recognized that being nice isn’t always good because niceness can slip into what American author Kim Scott calls ruinous empathy.
Comfortable silence.
When uncomfortable kindness would be better.
Kim has another name for uncomfortable kindness. She calls it radical candor.
Important note here. Radical Candor, the book, became popular reading in Silicon Valley when it was published. And even after reading it, Kim says too many people confused radical candor with obnoxious agression. Radical candor doesn’t mean being a jerk. It’s kind, clear, specific, and sincere.
If we don’t sincerely care about the object of our candor, we’re doing it all wrong. We must actually care about the other person. About their hopes and dreams, their families, and their values. It’s not brutal honesty or tough love.
It’s filled with respect and dignity.
Radical candor can feel uncomfortable, but it’s also tactful. And kind.
In many cases, nice and kind are interchangeable. They overlap, but they’re two different things.
Radical candor isn’t always nice. But it’s always kind.
Nice is concerned with being liked. It’s agreeable and censored. Nice stays silent when the truth deserves a voice. When the voiceless need help.
Kind is selfless and earnest and brave. Kind speaks up.
Nice is, “Yeah, you look great in that fedora.”
Kind is, “You know I love you, but you look ridiculous. That hat doesn’t deserve your head.”
Nice is how we climb social ladders. Kind is how we lift others up.
We shouldn’t let our friend walk out the door in that fedora. Not in public. Not if we really care.
Nice isn’t enough.
The people we love deserve radical candor.
Brave uncomfortable kindness is better.
